He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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