when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
