OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he puts the penis in happiness.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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