In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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