it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
