If i come over, it means nothing
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
