Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
