I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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