the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
