Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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