The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
soo... how was my night?
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