Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
