Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
