Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
