You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
