What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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