We won't sleep together?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
