remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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