I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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