Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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