tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
