your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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