you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
