nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
