I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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