i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
