Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
