Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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