My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
