I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
