I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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