So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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