you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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