just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
