I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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