He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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