WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
zippers are such a cool invention
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
