all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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