If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
