Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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