I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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