I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
