3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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