between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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