I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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