So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Someone came in the potted fern
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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