We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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