i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
