I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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