My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
